Freeze Frame
by buddieswithbilis
Summary: Mild mannered archivist gets his moment in the spot-light ... but does he really want it? and what is the Captain up to this time?


**A/N ….. although this seems fairly straight forward at first it does get quite silly towards the end. **

**Freeze Frame**

**.**

**.**

**.**

"Ianto, run!"

These were the last words he'd heard before the pair of them taken off in opposite directions.

It hadn't occurred to him to enquire just as to why he was being asked to run, he'd simply heard the command and, well, flown off like the proverbial bat.

The spike must have been relatively small …..

"Ianto! …. with me …."

The Captains' assumption that it would require only two personnel to deal with the incident suggested that the threat was a relatively minor one; resulting in the probable retrieval of a harmless artefact or two, but at no time had there been any indication that he would be required to run at some stage.

He didn't want to make a big issue of it, and it wasn't that he didn't like running either, because he did. No, it was more of a case of him never doing enough of it to actually be any good at it and the stitch currently stabbing incessantly at his side only compounded his theory further.

.

Still pondering he let himself fall forward and as one hand propped him up above a knee the other tapped at his earpiece.

"Jack, where are you?"

Before he gave his boss something else to tease him about he began drawing in long, slow breaths and attempted to control the embarrassing panting.

Worryingly, there was nothing from Jack. Instead a loud snap then a broken crackle sounded in his ear.

Leaning back onto the wall of the building behind a glance to his left confirmed what he already suspected; it was a dead end.

The approaching noise out in the street drew closer and with his heart still beating firmly in his chest he let his head roll in the other direction. This was definitely not good. Not good at all.

The heavy thudding came to a halt.

Shit! . The bloody thing had found him.

Small spike. Big fuck-off alien.

His face twitched nervously. This wasn't making any sense at all and where the hell had Jack disappeared to?

"Jack? Jack? Can you hear me? Bit of a situation here, Sir. Jack. Jack?"

He straightened as the alien appeared at the end of the alleyway and sliding his hand inside his jacket drew his gun and armed it.

"Jack? Owen?" . . he watched as it stepped further into the narrow opening and in a very small Welsh voice begged . . "Anybody?"

An unfamiliar noise bounced off of the walls. Was it laughing at him?

"Shiiiiiit"

The crackle in his ear morphed into white noise and did nothing to reassure him. With a sigh he realised that it was times like this that you thought of all of the important things that you should have done in life. For instance, if you're ever told to run it's always more advisable to follow the big brave guy that's with you.

"What do you want?" . . his eyes grew wider with fear and as the creature inched forward he responded by taking two steps back.

"I'm Torchwood, I can help you. What do you want?"

The large head inclined to the right and as a soft laugh once more echoed off of the walls a claw was distended to point in his direction.

"Fuck …. " . . his face contorted as he began to panic just a tad more . . "Me? You can't want me. I'm just the bloody butler."

A tongue flicked out at the air and it took another step towards him. Instinctively he took another two back.

Almost immediately it was making its move and began to lumber towards him. Reflexively he sent first one then a second shot in its direction.

Stopping on the spot and obviously sensing something its head snapped down to look at itself. But just a second later it was looking directly back up at him and sending him a broad sharp fanged grin.

"Ok, so you're a bullet proof big fuck-off alien ….. great!"

Not wanting to sound too panicked in front of the thing he tried to keep his voice steady . . "Jack? Jack? Need some help here. Jack?"

As a familiar chuckle sounded in his ear his eyes shot open.

"Oh, thank god! Jack, where the hell have you been?"

"Ianto. Sorry. It took me a while to locate you…"

His voice was calming, reassuring and for a second he let himself float off on the waves of velvet.

"Oh, thank god you're here. I've been trying to contact everyone. No one's answering ….." . . he cautiously kept an eye on the creature as it stood motionless less than ten feet away.

"Ah, yeah, that'd be me. I cut the signal to the coms."

"What the hell did you do that for?"

The reply was immediate and apparently obvious . . "Well, so that the others couldn't hear and get involved, of course."

"You're not Jack! Who the hell are you? What have you done with him?"

The roar at the other end was so typically Jack it convinced him otherwise.

"Ok, so it is you. Where the hell are you?"

There was a pause as the laughter was controlled and he was instructed

"Look ahead."

So he looked ahead . . "I am, and all I can see is a mouth full of teeth."

The laugh was back again but this time it was more gentle, more calming . . "Ok, now look up."

Leaning slightly to his right to avoid the beast he focused on the end of the alley then peered upwards at the buildings beyond.

"Oh, brilliant. Here I am about to get chewed in to little pieces and you're standing on a sodding roof."

And there was that laugh again.

"Oi! Stop with the bloody laughing and get down here and help me … Sir."

There was a long and loud sigh in his ear.

"Tell me, Ianto, this alien, what exactly does it look like to you?"

"Well, since you're asking, considering that I've already shot it twice it's looking very much alive."

"Ah, yeah, me again I'm afraid." . . he gave a soft hum of amusement . . "For want of a better phrase, Ianto, … you're firing blanks…"

"What?"

"Now come on, concentrate, look very closely. What does this alien look like? Does it remind you of anything?"

He studied it closely, unnerved by its somewhat calmed state . . "Hmm, it resembles ….."

"Yes, Ianto, it resembles what?"

"A dragon?"

"Yes ….. a dragon, well done!"

Ianto scowled. Condescending, yes, that was the word he was looking for.

"Well, I don't care if it does look like a ruddy dragon, it's still an alien and apparently it wants me."

The Captain gave another loud sigh . . "Ianto, it doesn't look like a dragon, it _is _a dragon."

He gave an unconvinced huff . . "So, if bloody bees can be aliens I'm pretty sure that dragons must be as well."

"Tsk tsk, shame on you Ianto Jones! You of all people should know that dragons are Welsh."

This time it was his turn to sigh . . "Look, Jack, I really don't give a monkeys where they're from. Are you going to come down here and save me or not?"

"Not. You don't need saving. You're not in any danger…."

"Oh, right …. says the man that just bounces right back every time."

"Look, I promise you, you are not going to be harmed in any way. In fact, the Elders have requested you especially….."

Ianto was silent for a few seconds then admitted . . "Ok, you've got my attention. So, this is the part where I ask . 'who are the Elders and why have they requested me', . is it?"

If the creature hadn't been leering at him so perversely he might have gotten carried away with the Captains' growing enthusiasm. As it was he just listened carefully and watched cautiously.

"It's a cross-breeding programme, Ianto. Apparently your line can be traced back to the time when they ruled the whole of Wales ….. and get this, you are descended from excellent stock … I always knew I had good taste."

There was yet another pause as the Welshman sifted through his comments.

"So, when you say cross-breeding, you don't mean ….?"

That laugh was back again . . "Exactly what it says on the tin, Ianto …. She wants to mate with you!"

"Actually, if there's an option, Sir, I think I'd rather be chewed in to little pieces."

A sad and forlorn sigh echoed along to him. He smiled apologetically.

'_did I just apologise to a dragon?'_

He squinted up at Jack. He was fumbling with something and the more he strained his eyes the more convinced he was of what he was looking at.

"You've got a bloody video camera up there!"

"What? Don't be ridiculous, why would I have one of those?"

"Well, I don't know Jack. You were planning on adding this to your private collection, maybe?"

"It's for research. We need to keep a history of these things."

"Pffff!" . . with his gun now pivoting loosely between a thumb and index finger his hands went directly to his hips.

There was a long sigh of defeat . . "Okaay, okaay, it was never meant for the archives …. it was just for me. Happy now?"

"I bloody knew it! You wasn't even going to ask me, was you?"

A plaintive whine crept in to the Captains voice . . "Ianto, Unit want you for three weeks! I'll never survive that long."

He thought considerately for a moment . . "So, this footage of me, you were planning on using it to …. um …."

"Exactly! Oh, thank god. I knew you'd understand."

Growing increasingly tired of waiting the dragon rolled its eyes. It was a Welsh thing, apparently.

"Yan, trust me, I know what I'm talking about. I promise you, you'll enjoy it."

He looked the dragon up and down; he couldn't see it himself.

"Jack? How do I get a ….well ….. you know…."

There was silence at the other end as Jack thought then . . "Ooh, I know. Why don't you try thinking about me up here …. um …. er ….. well, I'm sure you of all people can guess what I'm gonna be doing up here, can't you….?"

So, he thought about it ….. and it worked ….. embarrassingly quickly.

Jack zoomed in . . "Wow, I knew I was good, but just …. Wow!"

Looking down, Ianto smiled at the ground.

With his enthusiasm increasing further still the Captain began to imagine the future …

"Hey, does this mean we're going to have lots of little Iantos with wings flying about? And loads of baby dragons with ickle button noses?"

"Hold on …." . . Ianto looked up sharply, a worried frown in place . . "I've just thought … for this to happen I'm going to have to ….you know ….. without protection. Can you catch anything from a dragon?"

He immediately found himself drowning in sarcasm.

"Well, let me see. A cold? A verruca? How the hell should I know, Ianto! You're the expert in everything Welsh. You tell me!"

He winced at the raised levels of volume and decided

"Look, maybe this isn't such a good idea after all…"

"Ianto, they're depending on you. _I'm _depending on you. The whole future of dragon-kind could be depending on you…"

"Just a touch too much drama, Jack…"

"You think?"

"Mmm…."

"Ok, but you get what I mean don't you."

He nodded slowly but what should he do? Could he do it?

The dragon fluttered her eyelashes at him.

He let out a long sigh before announcing . . "I can't believe I'm actually agreeing to this. If Owen ever hears anything he'll be dining out on it for years"

Still not sure if it would work he thought once more about Jack and what he'd be doing up on that roof. It still had the desired effect so with a soft nod he asked

"What exactly is it I'm supposed to do, then?"

"Hmmm." . . Jack sounded just at perplexed . . "Do you know, to be honest, I'm not too sure. I suppose you could always lie back, let her do all the work and think of Wales. That would be appropriate." . . he chuckled to himself . . "Heavy, but still appropriate."

"Hilarious, Jack."

"Oooh …" . . he thought of something else . . "And you better start praying that she doesn't wanna give you a blow job!"

"Oh, shit! I hadn't thought of that." . . he stared wide eyed at the fangs as she smiled at him.

Jack gave it a bit more thought . . "I suppose you could always try . _'bad'n ablichynisis ag 'r ondannedd, Cariadich. . "_

"It sounds Welsh, but it's not. What does it mean?"

"It's the ancient tongue of the Elders. It's what the Welsh language was originally derived from."

"So, what does it mean, then?"

"Roughly translated? Er, something like . ' Ok, but be careful with the teeth, sweetheart' . .

"Oh, of course, that's going to be a great help, isn't it!"

Jack chuckled at the other end . . "So, you're definitely up for this, are you?"

"On one condition."

"Which is?"

"Only one copy and as soon as I get back from Unit you destroy it."

"But…."

"No compromise…"

"But…."

"I have just one word to say to you Captain Harkness…."

"Go on."

"Vermiform."

A deathly hush hung in the airwaves. Eventually Jack spoke.

"What about them?"

"Six months ago, Sir."

"Mmm, nope, sorry."

"I seem to remember one coming through the rift."

"Mmm, nope, sorry still nothing."

"Ok, maybe this will jog your memory ….. level four holding tank…"

"Ah…."

"Gooooood, we're on the same page at last, are we?"

There was a hush at the other end but he continued anyway . . "Remember you insisted that no surveillance was required?"

"Mmmm."

"Well I wasn't overly happy with leaving the poor thing to its own devices."

"So?"

"So I set up a link…."

Another heavy silence filled the air

"And guess what I saw ….Sir?"

"IT WAS DARK!"

"IT WAS INFRA RED!"

"Oh…"

"Yes, oh…"

An embarrassed silence suspended between them until eventually a humbled voice offered

"It was only sex…."

"Yeah, well, you would say that, wouldn't you."

"Jeez, Ianto. It's not like I asked it to move in with me or anything. It was just sex."

"It was SEX with an overgrown SLUG!" . . he shivered at the memory.

"It was sentient!"

"It was a sentient SLUG! And it was sssslimy ….ugh!"

"Oh, but Yan, it felt amazing …."

"Eurgghhhh." . . he shivered again . . "Though now thinking about it, it must have done. You went back four times that week."

"Hey, I don't know what you're getting so het up about…. At least the books balanced that week; I didn't have to spend a penny on lube! Actually, I've still got some bottled back at the hub if you're interested."

"Yuk and I still can't believe you actually enjoyed it. The eyes on stalks would have put me off straight away."

There was a deep chuckle at the other end

"Oh, but it felt soooo goooood…."

"And, yuk again, Jack."

"So, tell me …. has anyone else seen this, er, evidence?"

He'd been kind to him . . "No, I erased it before any of the others realised it existed."

"Oh, thank god. Thank you …."

"After saving it to disc of course."

"Oh, yes, of course! Who trained you, Jones? You're too good."

"You did. And before you ask it's hidden somewhere that you'll never find it."

"Right, that's it….. I'm docking your pay."

"You can dock what you like you're still not having it. In fact, if just one person other than ourselves gets to hear of or see any of this footage from today …. you and the slug go up on YouTube!"

"IANTO!"

"Do we have a deal, Sir?"

As he spoke a soft plume of white smoke puffed in his face.

"Er, Jack, I think she's getting a bit frustrated down here, oh and while I think of it, is it in my contract that I have to do this sort of thing?"

A front leg extended towards him and a claw pinged free to tickle lightly under his chin.

"Oh, god…."

A claw on the other foot hooked into his fly and began to lower the zip.

"Jack, panicking Jack…"

"Ianto, relax. Come on, deep breaths and remember, think of me and you'll be fine."

"I've changed my mind…." . . it could only be described as a distressed wail.

"Nonsense, you're going to love it."

"No, I don't think I am to be quite honest with you …."

Two plumes of excitement ghosted over his forehead and the dragons' face drew nearer.

"Jaaaack, I'm serious. Please do something. Can't you say something to her?"

"Oh, Ianto, of course, sorry, hold on a tic …."

He lifted one hand in to the air ….

"And …. ACTION!"

TW TW TW TW TW TW TW

**A/ N** ….. **so what do you think? Am I losing the plot or I've had too many hyper-vodkas! **


End file.
